[Krista]

It is so much less alienating when I can see myself in these posts, compared to when I try and describe them to those that haven't expereinced them. Its hard not to feel ashamed when people find it so difficult to understand chronic illness, like we are somehow less of a person because we can't keep up. This is primarily what makes life for me so difficult. I am not scared about my health the same way as I am scared about what life has to offer me! Our pain is NOT minor, no matter who wants us to believe it. Just because I look fine does not mean I have to pretend I am okay! I think the days I feel the worst are the days I go out of my way to look my best. Like makeup can somehow cover up my exhaustion. I have spent too many moments feeling so emotionally, physically, and socially seperate from the kids I go to school with. When I tell someone that I'm tired, trying to clue them in, to have an opportunity to be understanding, they say, "I'm tired, too" and I feel like we are talking about two diffrent planets in the solar system. Yours is tired. Mine is profound fatigue, the kind that keeps me planning my weeks in advance, each time carefully planning out which classes this week I can miss. Knowing that I am giving up friends, hobbies, and errands so that I can get my work done. I get so angry when I am asked for explanations. The explanation is the same: I am sick of you looking for reasons not to trust me! I am sick of being asked to justify my need to take care of myself! Wasn't it you that told me I had a responsibility to get rest and eat well? Other students are not granted that luxury because they do homework instead! The rule we were taught was this: there are three components to life at this school, and you can only pick two. Chose your social life and school, and not sleep. Choose sleep and your social life, and fail school. I choose sleep and school, and that requires much more of me than any other "normal" person here. If my life was free from this constant argument, my life would be better, only I can't seem to escape it. I'm so sorry for my rant, but I needed to get rid of it somehow.

When you say you can't sleep, I know you. When you say you can't focus, I know you. When you say you are exhausted in a way you can't understand, I know you very well, as though the fears you have everyday are the same as mine.