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You are going through the worst time of your life, this I understand, but let me share something with you. YOU can beat this, sometimes the greatest things come at our darkest hour! I hit my 50th birthday, had moved from an area that all my friends lived, just got through a horrible nasty divorce, changed job, my one and only daughter was living away and I truly thought that for some reason I was being punished (haven't been the goodest girl in the world). I was stressed to the eyeballs and I am convinced it was the stress that caused my AA - I went through a few days of blackness - I contemplated taking my own life and went downhill, I had never even heard of AA let alone know there were support networks for me out there. Then due to the concern of the nurses on the ward my consultant walked into my isolated room and sat down and the conversation followed.
Doc "whats wrong Karen, nurses are concerned that you are depressed"
me "I am, I am dying"
Doc "I have news for you Karen, we are all dying, from the minute we are born we start to die"
Me "but i will die before anyone else because I have AA"
Doc"really? how do you know that someone you know doesn't have a brain tumour, your neighbour, does she drive?"
me "yes, but what has that got to do with it"
Doc "Drivers have a high risk of being killed by a road traffic accident, but does it stop them getting into the car to drive?"
me......now it was sinking in.
"you have a treatable disease Karen , its not terminal - we will fight this battle with you, all of us, but we cannot fight it without you our general, without your commitment to beat this we have no hope of winning"
From that moment on, I decided that I owed them that much, that I owed the planet that much, I was a good person, who just had a bad thing happen to her, but it wasn't terminal, it wasn't degenerative, it was just a nasty diagnosis.
I then decided that day that I would fight, I fight on a daily basis. I did not respond to treatment for 10 months but I never gave up the belief that I would beat this bastard (excuse my verb) - 3 years on my counts are near normal, I received Rabbit (no bone marrow match for me) and I live my life to the full, I now have an adorable man in my life, my daughter is doing well in university, I have a house and a dog and a job I was born to do (helping veterans with post traumatic stress disorder).
Let yourself have some dark days, but set yourself a goal to fight this, you will meet someone who loves you, you will live your life to the best of your ability, and you will again laugh! Hang on in there, there are loads of us out there who will hold your hand through this, open up a new facebook account and join the aplastic anemia groups, we are a great bunch. You will need us new friends who know what you are going through. Together we can join your army, but we need you to lead us! chin up kiddo, start making goals xxxx Karen in the UK
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