PrettyFunky,
The hand that life has dealt you at this point in time is far, far from normal. It is simply brutal. I believe I have been somewhere similar, but I want so much to convey to you that there is hope beyond all this. My SAA diagnosis, almost two years to the day before yours, also came at what seemed to be the worst absolute time in my life in relation to my work and personal problems. I too felt terrified and alone. I too wondered at first whether it was worth it to even be treated, everything seemed so hopeless from all directions.
I can tell you today that I am very glad I went through with treatment. The doctors are getting better and better at it, and our chances are very good and looking better all the time! At diagnosis, I was not even able to think, talk, or walk straight. I couldn't sleep at night. This disease is brutal on both your mind and body. In retrospect, so much of my psychological stress was brought on by the physical effects of the disease, and the disease CAN be treated!
It sounds like you have had low counts for so long, you have forgotten what it feels like to have a proper amount of blood in your body. I know that was the case with me. But I tell you, it is AMAZING to feel life and blood slowly seep back into your body, to see bruises start healing and cuts stop bleeding as your platelets begin to rise on their own. I will never look at life the same way after receiving the gift of restored health and being brought back from near death. Please, go for the treatment AND in all likelihood the hospital where you are treated will have a team of psychologists to help you through the awful personal issues you are dealing with (and probably at no additional charge).
If you would like someone to talk to, please feel free to call me at 303-642-7943 or email
kevin_mcnamar@yahoo.com. I am in Denver, but we have an aplastic anemia support group here that meets non-periodically, and you would be more than welcome to call in.
Also, as others have said, there in Seattle you are in just about the best place in the US, perhaps the world, for aplastic anemia treatment. The patients in our support group are treated at a hospital in Denver (CBCI/Presbyterian St. Luke's) and most of our hematologists here have spent extensive time working there at Fred Hutchinson. I understand they still conference with the Fred Hutchinson doctors regularly for treatment decisions. So in a way, you'll be treated by the same extended team of doctors as the folks in our group.