[Lisa V]

George, you don't have to apologize for your postings. If writing down what you're feeling and sending it off into cyberspace makes you feel better, then go for it! We may not have the exact right words to say, but we do GET it, especially the spouses and caregivers. Even though we all share common concerns and can help each other, the issues of the person who is not the one with the illness are a bit different than for the one who is sick. I'm not going to say which one is harder than the other, they're just different.

I remember feeling the kind of anger you're talking about. All kinds of well-meaning friends would offer their home remedies, and it just made me want to scream out because they didn't really understand AA. I would snap at people who tried to tell me what he could do to boost his immune system, because it was actually an overactive immune response that was destroying his cells! Were they trying to kill him??? No, of course they weren't, they were just trying to help. And heaven forbid anyone should tell me to just have faith in God or the doctor or whatever and it would all be okay! That was sooooo not what I wanted to hear! On the other hand, if anyone offered to pray for him I was deeply moved and grateful, even though I'm not a religious person. Just the fact that they were showing concern instead of trying to simplify things or sell some kind of quick fix was enough for me.

I would try to distract myself watching TV, but I would just get so furious watching people on talk shows whining about their insignificant little problems, so that didn't help much. I kept staring at the phone numbers of the AA&MDSIF's list of contacts in my area, afraid to pick up the phone. I didn't want to talk to anyone who was doing better than Ken because I knew I'd feel jealous and bitter, but I also didn't want to talk to anyone who was doing worse because I knew it would scare the bejabbers out of me! I wanted to find someone who was in exactly the same situation as me and coping with it, LOL. Well, nobody is ever going to be in exactly the same situation, but I did make some online contacts and that helped get me through it.

The waking up at 2:00 AM in a panic and not being able to get back to sleep? Been there, and so have other caregivers I've talked to. What is it about 2:00? If I could get past that point, I could get through the night, but it was like having an alarm clock go off every night for months!

All I can tell you is IT DOES GET EASIER WITH TIME. I do agree with Neil, though. I hope you can find a good professional counselor who can help. I tried, but our hospital doesn't have a serious illness counselor, which is what we needed. They referred us to their psychiatrist and to a social worker, neither of whom GOT IT. It really is a specialized area, and I hope you can find someone ASAP. I'm worried about you!

Having said, that, try not to snap people's heads off too much for asking about your weekend plans. I know that sort of triviality seems meaningless now, but sometimes if you can go through the motions of having a normal life, you look around one day and realize that you CAN actually have a normal life, regardless of what else is going on. Just a thought.