[Mimi C]

The stress and fear of having a loved one diagnosed with MDS was huge. Looking back I now realized how stressed out I was. I expected my parents to get older but what I didn't expect is something so unheard of taking my mom from me and my family 17 years before her time. She had a goal. She wanted to make it to 95 like her mother did.
Not having control of the events that followed my mom's diagnosis was scary. I would love to go back and start the process over mainly so I could have more time with my mom but to also make it a better time for her. She endured shots, blood draws, bone marrow tests, days away from home-dog & family. I wished I had been a little less involved in my life and a little more involved in her's. Although, if you ask my husband he would say I was very involved but to me, it wasn't enough. I'm not saying I wasn't there--I'm just saying that I could have been there more emotionally and given more support. I feel like you can always do more--the words I gave it my all doesn't mean much to me. My mom would probably say I did enough. When your loved one is gone I guess its natural to feel like you didn't do enough. There's no way to make up for it now. I wish I had spent more time just sitting and talking. We did sit and talk but now that she is gone it wasn't enough. There are things that I wish I had written down or recorded because now I can't remember them. Maybe a few more photos would have been good although I can tell you that any amount wouldn't have been enough now. My mom told us about an hour before she left us that she was going to miss us all. I wanted to say more to my mom before she left but I was too worried that it would make her feel worse so I just kept telling her that I loved her. I sat holding her hand praying to God to pass her pain onto me so she wouldn't suffer--she seemed to be so uncomfortable and experiencing pain. Just 2 days before she told me she was going to get better. You see the thing about my mom was that she fought so hard and wouldn't give up. When we were getting out of the hospital this last time I asked her if she wanted to try another treatment and she said yes, she would give it another shot. That was 10 days before she died. The day after we got out of the hospital was her birthday. We made the trip to a new doctor and started a new treatment. The treatment wasn't going to cure her and she knew that. It was designed to give her more time...to give us more time.
Hospice came in for about an hour or maybe 2 before she passed. One of the RNs asked who my mom was waiting for. We were all there, there wasn't anyone else to wait for. I truly believe that my mom thought she might be able to pull out a few more days or weeks and it wasn't until she realized that she wasn't going to get any better that she let go.
Things you don't think about until they are gone: Their voice, their scent, a hug, a kiss... I'm not sure why I deleted all of my Mom voicemails a few weeks ago. I usually keep a message or 2 from loved ones. I'd like to be able to hear "Hey Meem, its Mom" as if I wouldn't know who it was. That voice is gone forever except in my head. I still have a hard time believing she is gone.
I miss my mom.