[Krista]

Well, today I went back to the doctor and my bloodwork came back pretty good, actually. He was very honest in saying that he had no idea how it had gotten so low and had improved so quickly. But, for some reason, I don't feel much better about it. I think I actually feel worse. I think its because all the doctors have been optimistic about me, but then everything I read saying its a lifelong chronic condition doesn't make me feel better at the end of the day. Being ill doesn't scare me, I'm not afraid of pain or the discomfort. I think its the half-sick stuff that gets to me, the everyday tiredness that is difficult for me to explain. I guess if my counts are up I somehow have no reason to be tired or stressed or overwhelmed. It isn't until my counts are low that I am really allowed to be tired, and that other students, my family, my boyfriend are truly sympathetic. I don't know, maybe I just complain too much, and maybe its a moot point. Being healthy just seems like something that will never happen again, that there will always be an exception, something like "well, I feel okay, but..." To a chronically-healthy person until a year ago, thats a difficult adjustment to make. I guess I'm hoping that, of all places, somebody here might understand the strangeness of it all, and how impossible the future can seem sometimes.