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"Yes, but how are YOU?"
Whenever I saw friends while my wife was undergoing active treatment, they would immediately ask how my wife was doing. I knew which friends were just being polite (so I should say "fine") and which friends really wanted to hear the details about her condition.
I thought it was amusing that not a single person ever thought to ask me how I was. Obviously, I wasn't the focus, but it was funny just the same. I was often tempted to tease people by saying "Oh, and by the way, I'm fine too!" but I really didn't mind. After all, I agreed with them that my wife's condition was the one of primary importance.
I try to keep that lesson in mind when I'm talking to another caregiver, and avoid the natural instinct to ask only about the one who is sick. For example, when I talk to the parents of a patient, I know they'll appreciate being asked about their other children too. Everyone counts, even if only one is ill.
And there's another good reason to ask how the caregiver and other family members are doing. You're likely to hear some good news! Even when everyone is worried about the patient's condition, the chance to tell or hear other family news can provide a pleasant counterbalance and reduce everyone's anxiety.
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