[georges]

Boy, I'm having a hard time. I can't accept what's happening or going to happen to my partner. I can't talk to family and friends any more because I don't want to repeat to them over and over my intense fear and worry. They aren't trained grief counselors so inevitably they'll want to discuss something other than my partner's MDS, but quite frankly it's the only thing on my mind and all other topics feel almost painful like I want to scream. (It's like being in a car with someone else driving and I'm the passenger. They're driving at 100mph, tailgating and swirving while at the same time a small child sits on my lap chatting sensely to me.) Usually it's me crying and sobbing and then they'll say be strong then the conversation turns into "well, we're taking the kids to football tonight, have nice weekend." I considered calling a suicide hotline just to talk to someone without having to then ask each other about weekend plans. I know what my plans are, they've been the same since the whole thing has happened. I'm going to try to be normal. I'm going to try to not panic. I'm going to try to sleep at night without waking up at 2:00 am with my heart pounding out of my chest. I'm going to try and to find the purpose in cooking, laundry, and cleaning. Infact, my weekend plans are not different than any other day. No one wants to hear that after they've just told me they're going to buy pumpkins and crysanthumums to decorate the house for halloween.

I've tried calling the volunteer help line from the AA and MDS foundation, but no one has ever answered. I've called that number for two weeks at least. I figure someone is going to be at a suicide hotline. Certainly they're not expecting me to engage in lite chit chat.

God, please, on Nov. 6th present yourself through the doctor and deliver the news with compassion, and patience. I repeat this over and over.

I'm writing this here because I can't find another outlit for my stress and sadness.