Not sure how to handle this

[KathyM]

I’m not sure if anyone can help me with this problem – or if its even appropriate for this forum. If its not – please let me know.

We have 2 sons – 32 and 31. The 32 yr old lives close by – he frequently calls, stops over, etc. Every appointment Dennis has, he wants to be informed. He came with us to the orientation for transplant patients.

However, my 31 yr old – who lives in Colorado – does not. We do keep him informed, call him with updates, etc. Whenever he is on the phone with my husband he never asks – never brings up the subject. When either Dennis or I bring it up – his only response is “hmm”. No questions, no nothing. I’m not quite sure what to make of this – this son has always been a “man of few words” – but I have to say that I’m beginning to get a little angry – and I think that Dennis is beginning to feel a little hurt. My son is planning on coming in for a few days to visit in April (when Dennis is scheduled for the transplant) and I know that he cares about his father…but…I just don’t understand how he can’t even ask what’s going on? I do think that he probably feels somewhat “removed” from the whole situation because of the distance (we live near Phila), but I don’t see that as an excuse or reason for anything.

Has anyone experienced anything like this? I’m just not sure how to handle it..my son can tend to be a little defensive..and the last thing I want to do is cause any problems by not addressing this the right way. If I say to him “why don’t you give Dad a call and see how he’s doing, I know he’d love to hear from you” He will call him – but I have to say something to him first! Otherwise, nothing.

[bebop]

people deal with things in different ways. Maybe he is scared. Maybe he just doesn't know what to say. My brother never really talked to our Dad about his mds much at all. I had to keep him informed about all of it and he would talk to me about it. The other brother just never came around or called. It is very difficult when you find out a parent has cancer. I thought my world has just collapsed on me. Maybe while your son is there try to get him alone and talk to him about it. Let him know how you feel and try to find out how he is feeling. I hope it all works out for you hon. praying for your family.

[Sally C]

Hi Kathy,
I agree with Bebop's analysis. People do handle things differently. I am a talker, others keep their thoughts to themselves. It could be fear of losing his Dad that keeps him from asking questions. My stepson is much like your son - he doesn't say much but there is alot going on between the ears. He never really asks questions either - I/we just inform him.
Maybe if you suggested to your son that your husband misses talking to him and that the subject doesn't have to be his health, your son will feel more comfortable talking to him.
You did say that your son was a man of few words. He is living up to that description it seems. But he is coming for the transplant and I believe that is the most important thing he could do. I would imagine there will be more talking when he comes home. I hope so.
God Bless and I wish you the best!
Sally

[Chirley]

Hi, my brother is the same.

When my Mum was in ICU in September last year he came to town for a few days and visited Mum twice. He has not seen her since.

He does ring from time to time but never asks about her health and if one of us raises the subject he goes silent.

I know he loves her, so that's not the problem. He's like that in the rest of his life too. It's as if he's emotionally crippled. If any one shows any sign of emotion, he runs a mile.

I feel very sorry for him because its as if he suffers alone and in silence. I still get very frustrated by him though.

When we were looking for a BM donor for me my doctor suggested that he be tested. After I asked him, I didn't see or hear from him for a year.

I found with my brother I have to be very unemotional and factual when I tell him anything about Mums health. (She has kidney failure and is on dialysis). If I play down any problems and make it seem less severe, he is more likely to engage.

I wish you luck. Sometimes dealing with family is the most difficult part of dealing with illness.

Regards

Chirley

[billyb]

Kathy, like others have said people deal with emotional stresses differently and dont really comprehend how it effects other family members, some times the withdrawl is a form of easing the mind into thinking if death was to occur it be easier to handle but the truth is it isnt. Maybe you could pull him off to the side ( if you see him ) or call him and simply say I know your effected by whats going on and if you ever want to talk about it im here and if you dont ...thats ok... also we just want you to know we love you... what ever your decesion is on how you want to deal with this....that way he wont feel preasured or backed into a corner. My wife has a 16 year old daughter from another, she lives with her father, my wife is dealing with 2 termanal cancers, the olny times she seems to come around is when she needs money, when my wife was in the hospitol about a month ago she visited her some but thats about it...our 9 year old son stepped up to the plate, helped me grocery shop, cleaned up, did excellent in school that week his mother was gone and so on, her daughter on the other hand we barley herd from her, thats how she deals with it, but she is doing great in school, good at sports and is holding down a job, so for now even thou she isnt doing everything I think she should be doing, I have to look at the good things she is accomplishing in her life and hope she will change before it to late and she has to live with some regrets...best of luck to ya"ll....Love and Prayers....Billy

[Lulu]

I get the same attitude from my father. He completely ignores me or changes the subject, and the last time I mentioned my illness he actually laughed and left the room. I was fuming. He refuses to talk about his cruel and bizarre behaviour, and I suspect that he thinks I am making it all up, as I am still alive 18 months after diagnosis and am often told I "don't look ill". Had a good rant to my mother and she said he was the same with her when they were together, hence their divorce!

[Al's Wife]

I just think some of us are able to deal with things better than others. My husband, for instance, is what I call an "ostrich." He puts his head in the sand and doesn't think about it, unless someone brings it up. He has chosen not to talk about his illness much and one of our children is the same way. For some people that just works better. That's the way they cope. I don't think it makes either type right or wrong.
Me, personally, I have to let it out and I have to know what's going on. I'm probably too pro active concerning my husband's MDS and now AML (leukemia). It can be all consuming and that's not a good thing either.
I don't think we can change other people, we can only change our reactions to other people's behavior. Hopefully, your son coming for his Dad's transplant will prove to be supportive for all of you.
God bless and good luck.